TITLE        Fred’s World of Booze-Ups

AUTHOR   Fred the boozer

OVERVIEW

An interesting account of how to get drunk in numerous bars around the Costas.

It is lively and informative although the excessive use of four-letter words does detract from the overall effect. The author appears not to have completed his world tour as the manuscript only refers to the local area, thus the title is inappropriate. There are some general points regarding the sequence of events in the plot, as there seem to be large gaps in the reflection that Fred writes about. Some attention must be paid to this in the final version. There is some cause for concern over the references made to some of the local bar owners which will need to be carefully viewed.

PLOT

There is no real sense of plot in the work; it is a set of reflections on many happy hours spent in various bars. Little coherence to the sequence of events is evident, as it tends to ramble from one event to the next. A more logically thought out progression would aid the reader in following the plot. However, with such a manuscript based on mere reflections seen through the bottom of a beer glass, it is debatable whether any real plot could emerge from the writing. A greater sense of narrative is needed unless the book is changed to a different format, perhaps as a Best Booze-Up Guide.

CHARACTERISATION

There is only one main character, the writer and we learn little about him other than his love of beer and all things booze. A greater insight into his adoration of the bottle and what has precipitated him into this lifestyle would be both more informative and interesting. The wide circle of peripheral characters are never developed beyond crude physical descriptions and expletives exchanged with the author. The number of characters needs to be cut down and more depth given to them. The main character needs developing beyond the perpetual boozer in order that the reader can respond in a variety of ways towards him. He needs to be seen to make some form of ‘journey’ through the book. At present he is static.

ATMOSPHERE AND SETTING

The descriptions of each of the bars are colourful and full of life, in some cases perhaps too much. However, the writer relies upon the physical descriptions and does not enhance his writing with more atmospheric turns of phrase. He needs to employ some more stylistic approaches to writing and try to employ some simple approaches such as similes, metaphors and imagery to conjure up the wonderful life he leads. At present, although each bar is described in detail, the different ambiences that they must exude are not reflected in his writing.

USE OF LANGUAGE

STRUCTURE

This is very weak: there are no chapters, breaks or paragraphs. It makes it hard to read the manuscript as no sense of time frames are apparent. His thoughts are at times jumbled and he jumps from one account to another; a much more coherent layout to his work is needed. The use of direct and indirect speech is confused with his own thoughts and needs attention.

GRAMMAR
The general use of grammar is acceptable; although in some of the direct speech the scouse accent is so strong, it has become difficult to understand the intent. Generally, the syntax is correct but there are occasions when it is apparent that the writer has just returned from one of his many research trips. Words are jumbled and the order of adjectives and adverbs along with superlatives is not good.

PUNCTUATION
Basic punctuation is good but there is a lack of consistency in direct speech. There is a problem with the possessive in both the singular and the plural.

VOCABULARY
There is a basic vocabulary used which is appropriate to the manuscript; however the number of four-lettered expletives needs to be reduced. A wider range of vocabulary throughout the manuscript would enhance the work and help to create a more mature, finished piece of writing. The atmosphere and setting would also be enhanced giving greater feel to the book.

MARKETABILITY

As it stands, the manuscript would only appeal to readers who share a similar lifestyle to the author. To reach a wider audience the vocabulary needs a radical overhaul and the structure needs a re-think. Rather than a set of reflections with incidental characters possibly a humorous guide to bars along the Costas would be a better tact. If it is to be kept as a novel there has to be a reason for the character to undertake the lifestyle he is in.

SUGGESTED REWRITES

First and foremost, begin with the structure breaking the MS down into chapters, and then each chapter needs to be paragraphed correctly. Close attention to the punctuation of direct speech is needed as opposed to the thoughts that the author is sharing with us. Remove many of the four-letter words employed and develop the vocabulary to appeal to a mature audience. Build upon the main character developing him into a believable person that the reader can empathise with. Decide which characters add to the manuscript and remove any which play no significant role. If the work is to be rewritten but kept as a novel then a distinct plot has to be thought throug; consider the ‘journey’ that the main character makes. What has led him to this point in his life and how does he feel. From first meeting him he must develop and respond to the world around him and in some way change as the novel progresses.